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A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night." The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here for one night!" "Yes sir," says the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks!"
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing 'Love' stamps on bright pink envelopes with red hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000s of Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer."
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THE TOP 15 MAFIA VALENTINE'S DAY GREETINGS 15. My love for you... it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement. 14. I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes. 13. Lie down with me -- it's my final offa, Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa. 12. I picked up this card from a slim selection But that's all they offer here in witness protection. Love, J. Doe 11. I've waited so long for you to be mine. Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine. 10. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style. 9. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass; So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass. 8. Violets are blue, roses are red, I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead? 7. The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook! 6. Hey. 5. Youse da greatest. Youse da best. But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness. 4. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers. Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers. 3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like. 2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand So I won't be a self-made man. 1. When a goon makes you die, Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!
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SCREW VALENTINE'S DAY! Hearts and roses and kisses galore... What the hell is all that shit for? People get mushy and start acting queer It is definitely the most annoying day of the year This day needs to get the hell over with and pass Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak And wear all black for the rest of the week Guys act all sweet, but it will soon fade For all they are doing is trying to get laid The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit Because I think love is a crock of shit So here's my story... what else can I say? Love bites my ass... Screw Valentines Day!
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Ah Valentine's Day! It's the time of year when all women's thoughts turn to love, romance and general mushiness. And it's also the time of year when some men pay dearly for not remembering what time of year it is. Of course you might also be a guy who doesn't have a valentine to love at all this year, which is really too bad. Don't fret though. Maybe you don't have a woman to love, 'cause you've approached the mating game all wrong. How do you know if that's the case? Simple. Take my quiz below. Presenting, Kerry's Krazy Valentine Validation Quiz. Answer the questions, then check below to see if you're the last of the red-hot lovers or an out-of-luck loser.
1. How often do you bathe? a) Once a day b) When I start to smell c) What do you mean by bathing? 2. Have you ever made the following statement to a woman? "Yep sweetie, I think cleanliness is next to godliness and I change my underwear once every two months whether they need it or not." a) Have never said it b) Said it once c) It's my favourite expression 3. How many professional monster truck drivers do you know, personally? a) None b) A few c) All of them. 4. Complete the following sentence. I believe violence has to be tolerated... a) in a war movie b) in a playoff hockey game c) anytime I get #%&*@ ticked at &%#@*# people and wanna give 'em a %#@%# attitude adjustment! 5. I think Meg Ryan is... a) a quality actress b) OK in those girl movies c) not half as hot as Pamela Anderson 6. My ideal night out would be... a) a romantic dinner b) a hockey game c) a Miss Best Chest contest at Showgirls 7. I believe that Don Cherry is... a) a bit of a loudmouth b) OK in small doses c) smarter than God 8. I think women like it when you... a) praise their wit b) tell them they're gorgeous c) stare at their boobs 9. Pick one person as woman of the century a) My current lover b) Mother Theresa c) Traci Lords 10. Profanity is... a) unacceptable b) unavoidable once in a while c) none of anyone's %$#@* business 11. Cooking and cleaning is... a) a job for the hired housekeeper b) something men and women should share c) sure as hell not a man's job, baby 12. Valentine's Day makes me think of... a) the love of my life b) the great taste of Belgian chocolates c) that sexy tart who works in the candy store Score 3 points for an A answer, 1 point for B, 0 for C. (20 points or more: You're very Valentine-worthy!) (10 - 19 points: You might fool some woman -- maybe) (10 points or less: Does the term social misfit mean anything to you?)
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A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?" "Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us." "Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?" "We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us." "And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?" The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well." "To the city!? And what do they send to you?" "Today they have sent you to us."
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In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur." The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked. "You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."
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Dear Tech Support: Help!! Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software: severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this general purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!! Signed, Jane ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Jane: This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME." Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
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In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hill and Stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is toofockin' dangerous for me." ============ PART TWO =================== A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting noider." ========== PART THREE ================== A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag,and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hengliding
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Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need anyone," he was told. "You can't afford not to hire me," Morris said. "I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!" "Well, we have two prospects that NO ONE has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job." He was gone about two hours. He returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000. "How in the world did you do that?" they asked. "I told you I'm the world's best salesman," Morris said. "I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!" "Did you get a urine sample?" they asked. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." Morris was gone about six hours, and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine. He sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's." "That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?" "Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a state teachers' convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
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A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."
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How about some Homerisms? Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer. Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible. Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name? The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten! Ignore the boy, Lord.
I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to church! - Homer Simpson
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A young woman plunked a bucket of quarters down in front a teller at the bank. The teller fetched the manager who then berated the young woman about hoarding so many quarters. She gave him a hard look and said, "I didn't hoard all of these. My sister whored half, and I whored the other half."
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A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was very receptive to his foreplay after they parked, and as the petting increased he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly cried, "Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!" "Ummm..." he said a bit uncomfortably, "that's my Timex."
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The couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends, which worked out nicely, since they lived in the same apartment building. One day the man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help. He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?" She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear. "Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look, it still recognizes me."
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The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business !!!
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One day a man comes home from work and he decideds to tell his wife that he has been having an affair with his secretary. When he walks in the door he finds his wife in the living room. "Um, honey, I got something to tell you." "Hold on," the wife says, "I've got something to tell you first." "What is it?" asks the husband. "Well," the wife begins, "before we knew each other, I . . . uh . . . had a sex change." "What exactly are you saying?" "Simply put," the wife says, "I used to be a man." "My god," the husband replies, "and you've been hitting from the ladies tees this whole time!"
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A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving. He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire." 'He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.' "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "So far about 30 Bic's and three hundred gallons of gas but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
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Until you walk in the footsteps of a stranger, you will never know what You never knew. - Disney's Pocahontas Movie Song Lyrics Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. If you can't laugh at yourself, someone else is going to do it for you, and you're not going to enjoy it nearly as much.
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There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up to him and asked why he was calling them dam fish? The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." So the preacher explained to her why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "Cool, that's the spirit dad, pass the f*cking potatoes!"
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Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings." "I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist. "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
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A man and a woman are driving down the highway when another car passes them. The woman notices that the occupants of the other car are young and obviously in love. The girl is sitting very close to her boyfriend as they cruise on down the highway. This causes the woman to think back when she and her husband were young and in love, and wondering where the show of affection had disappeared to over the years. Finally she says to her husband, "Remember when we used to be like that young couple? Where did the love go, honey?" Her question was met with a few moments of silence. Then he quietly replied, "I haven't moved."
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So a dyslexic walks into a bra...
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Once upon a time, In a land far away, A beautiful, independent, Self assured princess Happened upon a frog as she sat, Contemplating ecological issues On the shores of an unpolluted pond In a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap And said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, And I will turn back Into the dapper, young prince that I am And then, my sweet, we can marry And setup housekeeping in yon castle With my mother, Where you can prepare my meals, Clean my clothes, bear my children, And forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, As the princess dined sumptuously On a repast of lightly sautied froglegs Seasoned in a white wine And onion cream sauce, She chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't f---ing think so."
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"Playing Fireman" A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster." "Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"
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"Together at Last" Maria was a devoted, religious girl. She got married and had 17 children. Then her husband died. She remarried two weeks later, and had 22 children by her next husband. Then he died. A while later, she died. At the funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest said, "I mean her legs."
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"An Honest Mistake" A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."
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During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
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A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to their separate beds. However the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."
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Reasons to Keep an Open Mind to New Ideas "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
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SPELLING BEE CONFUSING If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough If OUGH stands for O as in Dough If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour If TTE stands for T as in Gazette If EAU stands for O as in Plateau The right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU
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A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked "NO REFILLS."
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PREPARING WOMEN FOR THE MILLENIUM Training Courses now available for Women: 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First. 8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up 12. Introduction to Parking 13. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space 14. Water retention: Fact or Fat 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully 19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
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Calista Flockhart is visiting her doctor and he asks her to get onto the scale. Looking at the reading, the doctor exclaims, "My God, you're hollow!"
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A policeman pulls over a carload of nuns. Policeman: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Policeman: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful." At this point the policeman looks in the back-seat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Policeman: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible." Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 121."
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13 Reasons Why It's Better To Have A Cat Than A Boyfriend/Girlfriend 1. A cat won't wake you up at 3 am because it wants to make love to you. 2. A cat doesn't use the phone for hours. 3. A cat loves you until it dies. 4. You don't have to tell your cat you love it - it *knows* you do. 5. A cat never calls you on the phone in the middle of the night saying "...ooooh I'm soooo druuuunk, wiiiill youuuuu taaake meeee hooooooome..." 6. You don't need to help your cat with Calculus or Statistics. 7. A cat doesn't care if you haven't been eating for two days. 8. A cat doesn't want to borrow money from you. 9. You don't need to buy your cat expensive presents on its birthday. 10. You don't need to buy your cat's mother expensive presents on her birthday. 11. A cat doesn't say "no" when you want the two of you to take a two week holiday on some romantic island in West India. 12. If there's a mouse in the house, the cat kills it, instead of making a lot of fuss about it. 13. A cat won't hate you if you have it castrated.
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Q: How do you get holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it
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Bumper Sticker of the Day: Horn broken. Watch for finger.
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PICK-UP LINE OF THE DAY: "I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you..."
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If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on Earth? Why is it that when you talk to God you're praying, but when he talks to you, you're crazy? Seen on a bumper sticker: "Old age is inevitable; growing up is optional." My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong, and she agrees with me. The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions. Would a disaffected member of Generation X be a highly-motivated and successful person?
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There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so competent he's not sure which to choose. So he devises a little test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $1,000 on each of their desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 invests in the market and returns $2,000 to him the next morning. #3 pockets the money. Who got the promotion? The one with the big tits.
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Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
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A young and inexperienced advocate is leading evidence from his female client, the plaintiff. "When last did you cohabit?" he asks. "I'm not sure what you mean." "When did you last have sex?" "Oh . . . this morning." "You had sex this morning with your husband?" asks the astonished advocate. "No, sir - with my attorney."
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POSSIBLE TITLES FOR LEWINSKY'S NEW BOOK I Suck At My Job What Really Goes Down In The White House How I Blew It In Washington You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President Podium Girl Secret Services to the President Deep Inside The Oval Office The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions Going Down and Moving Up Me and My Big Mouth
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Two little children, a boy and a girl, walked hand-in-hand to a neighbor's house. Standing on her tippee-toes, the little girl was just able to reach the doorbell. A woman greeted them and asked what they wanted. "We're playing house," the little girl answered. "This is my husband and I am his wife. May we come in?" Thoroughly enchanted by the scene confronting her, the lady said, "By all means, do come in." Once inside, she offered the children lemonade and cookies which they graciously accepted. When a second tall glass of lemonade was offered, the little girl refused by saying: "No thank you. We have to go now. My husband just wet his pants."
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Johnny goes to pick up his blind date at her house, and when he gets there he finds out she has no arms and no legs. He's a good sport, so he picks her up, puts her in his car, and takes her to a movie. When the movie is over, he picks her up again and puts her back in the car. She says, "Do you have any rope in the car?" He says, "Rope? Why, yeah, I got some rope." She says, "Do you know that big old oak with the real low limb down the dark corner of the park?" Johnny says, "Yeah." She says, "Why don't you take us there?" When they get there she has Johnny get out the rope, undress her, and then she gives him explicit instructions how to use the rope to suspend her from the limb. And then they proceed to have the wildest sex that Johnny has ever had. When they're done, Johnny drives her home, carries her inside, and puts her on the living room couch. As he's leaving her father grabs him by the arm and says, "Here son," and goes to hand Johnny five hundred dollars. Johnny says, "I can't take that, sir." Her father says, "Please son, take the money." Johnny says, "I can't sir. You see...I...I had sex with your daughter." Her father says, "of course you did. But at least you didn't leave her hanging from that fu**ing tree!"
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The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, "It's not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an "r" in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday." Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the doctor's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver. Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness. Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, "What day is it honey?" She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."
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Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor. "Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl. "Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible." "Well," the doc concluded, "go home and wash possible."
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Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?" To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin Robbins?"
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There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On the way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure, but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say "Thank God" to make it go, and "Amen" to make it stop." Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, OK." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. The he says, "Thank God, Thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, Thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, Stop, Hold On!" Finally he remembers, "AMEN!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Whew, Thank God".
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After a particularly serious operation, the surgeon was talking to the patient, who was still recovering from the effects of the anesthesia. The doctor was looking very glum and said to the patient, "I can't be sure what's wrong with you. I think it may be the drinking." The patient replied, "Well, then can we get an opinion from a doctor who hasn't been drinking?"
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Below is an actual memo that was sent to all employees in my company... Attention LAN users: The LAN will be down between 3PM and 10PM due to unplanned scheduled maintenance to prevent an interruption in service. Enjoy the rest of this day.
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Training Courses Now Available For Men: 1) Introduction To Common Household Objects I - The Mop 2) Introduction To Common Household Objects II - The Sponge 3) Dressing Up - Beyond The Funeral And The Wedding 4) Refrigerator Forensics - Identifying And Removing The Dead 5) Design Pattern Or Splatter Stain On The Linoleum - You CAN Tell the Difference 6) Accepting Loss I - If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away 7) Accepting Loss II - If The Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In The Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back 8) Going To The Supermarket - It's Not Just For Women Anymore 9) Recycling Skills I - Boxes That The Electronics Came In 10) Recycling Skills II - Styrofoam That Came In The Boxes That The Electronics Came In 11) Bathroom Etiquette I - How To Remove Beard/Mustache Clippings From The Sink 12) Bathroom Etiquette II - Let's Wash Those Towels! 13) Bathroom Etiquette III - Five Easy Ways To Tell When You're About To Run Out Of Toilet Paper 14) Giving Back To The Community - How To Donate 15 Year Old Elvis To The Goodwill 15) Retro Or Just Hideous? Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts 16) No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves - Knowing The Limitations Of Your Kitchenware 17) Romance - More Than A Cable Channel 18) Strange But True - She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down And Ten" Means 19) Going Out To Dinner - Beyond The Pizza Hut 20) Expand Your Entertainment Options - Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under The "Action/Adventure" Category 21) Yours, Mine, and Ours - Sharing The Remote 22) "I Could Have Played A Better Game Than That!" - Why Women Laugh 23) Adventures In Housekeeping I - Let's Clean The Closet 24) Adventures in Housekeeping II - Let's Clean Under The Bed 25) "I Don't Know" - Be The First Man To Say It 26) The Gas Gauge In Your Car - Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty 27) Directions - It's Okay To Ask For Them 28) Listening - It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime 29) Accepting Your Limitations - Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
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PICK-UP LINE COMEBACK OF THE DAY: ME: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
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A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh! ssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD...they got my girlfriend too!!!"
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At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?" Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are You referring to?"
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The difference between bathing suits now and then are that the bathing suits from the past required that you open the suit to see the butt. The bathing suits of today require that you open the butt to see the suit.
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A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
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A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation quiet because it's an embarrassing procedure and she doesn't want anyone to find out about it. The doctor agrees. The next day, the woman awakens from her successful operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he explains, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me because I felt bad that you had to go through all this by yourself. And, the second rose is from the nurse who assisted me with the operation. She too had the same operation some time ago." "Who is the third rose from?" asked the curious woman. "That rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit," explained the doctor, "because he wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
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A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a big, husky guy. The big guy looks at the accountant and says, "I want some sex. Do you wanna be the husband or the wife?" The petrified accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband." The big guy bellows, "Okay, then, get over here and suck your wife's dick."
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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?" One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
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A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father answered, "Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, go and ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
So the boy went to his mother and said, "would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would!! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that ever!"
Then the boy went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, " Oh my goodness! I would just love to do that!! I would be crazy to pass up that opportunity."
The boy pondered this for a bit and went back to his dad. The father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
"Yes the boy replied, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with a couple of sluts."
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In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail. The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?" The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind. So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. "My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"
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A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp. The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited. Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "The sign says 'Yield', not "give up!"
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Interesting Facts ... 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village". There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." The most common name in the world is Mohammed. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice." In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam." Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson." More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified was to poke someone's eye out. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds
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Be sure to read through to the bottom... 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
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One day a blonde's house catches on fire. She immediately calls the fire department in a panic. The man at the other end of the line asks "Ma'am how do we get to your house?" to which the blond replies "Duh, big red truck!"
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A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, &q |