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The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received
a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do
funeral notices cost?"
"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response.
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'"
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word
minimum."
"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me
that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'"
[============================================================]
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the
field." A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream
and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my
feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two
chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or
take them with us?' I panicked..."
[============================================================]
Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the
birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child
said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked
his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no
Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no
Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the
'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to
tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've
got nothing left to live for!"
[============================================================]
A man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to
have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his
stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress,
and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he
suddenly discovers that there are several cabs lined
up, and it's obvious that he's in the wrong one.
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the
nurse. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a
wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he died from a
"massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet
from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with
your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "now
your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read
the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was
standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom
when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here
with me. This is only a one-seater!"
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was
having trouble with one of his medications. "Which
one?", asked the doctor "The patch," he replied, "the
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
I've run out of places to put it!" The doctor had him
quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he
wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on
his body! Now the instructions include removal of the
old patch before applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long since you have been bedridden?" After
a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not
for about twenty years...when my husband was still
alive."
A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So
how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good,
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't get used to the
taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see
the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet plainly
labeled "KY Jelly."
[============================================================]
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he
said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off
in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales
position, and one month after that you were promoted to district
manager of the sales department. Just four short months later,
you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to
retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you
say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
[============================================================]
An avid church goer and NASCAR fan died and went to heaven.
Upon entering, this person noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's
race car, and asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said Alan was
in heaven and his car was on display.
Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once
again he inquired to St. Peter about it. "Davey Allison is also in
heaven. In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die,
their race cars get put on display."
Walking further, the individual came upon Jeff Gordon's #24
Chevrolet - the phenomena kid who is breaking every record on
the racing circuit. At this sight, the new heaven dweller
panicked! "Oh, No! St. Peter - Jeff Gordon is about to win the
Championship this year, and you mean to tell me he has just
died?!?
"No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "That's God's car. He lets Jeff
use it on weekends."
[============================================================]
RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW.......
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not
ask us. We refuse to answer.
2.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys
fear getting married is that married women always cut
their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not
quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet
again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to;
expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with
it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the
shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going
to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are
bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of
thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it.That is what we do. Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than
deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to
take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument.All comments become null and void after 7
days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is
genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to
come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose
their right to complain about having their boobs stared
at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut
blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default
settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY
stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our
lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little
we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly
fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry;
the fantasy includes you AND her,together.
46. What the hell is a doily?
[============================================================]
A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say. "I
love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only
exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of
making love.
Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words. I suggested
that she should not take too much comfort in the exception.
When making love, I explained, men will say anything. "He'd
tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you
want to hear," I told her.
The conversation rattled on from there. A couple of weeks
later, she related the following. "We were in bed, making
love. I said, 'Tell me you love me.'"
He replied, 'I love you.' I said, 'Tell me you're the Easter
Bunny.'
He stopped for a second, and announced, 'I'm the Easter
Bunny.'
So I slapped him. "The poor guy probably still doesn't know
what happened!"
[============================================================]
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake
near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides
to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
"That's okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get
some wood for the fire." About thirty minutes later, the
husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears.
One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and
her bottom is blue. "What on earth happened to you dear?"
he asks.
"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me
they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then
they gave me this paint job!"
"Those troublemakers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He
rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. "Who is the
jerk who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.
A huge man, about 6' 8", steps forward, a shotgun in his
hands. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"
The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the
first coat of paint is dry."
[============================================================]
Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader.
[============================================================]
How is a Cajun zoo different from any other?
Most zoos have a plaque with the name of the animal and its habitat in front
of the cage,
Cajun zoos have a plaque with the name of the animal and the recipe
[============================================================]
Every year the US FBI, is asked to investigate over 36000 serious crimes
including Murder/Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts
out its "Top 20 Homicides of the Year" 1996
20. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20" long
vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husbands strange sex practices
and one night during a prolonged being of "fun" she snapped, pushing all 20"
of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs
and caused sever bleeding.
19. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the
road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her
daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the
truck delivering her birthday cake.
18. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who
he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that
if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat
poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim
took one sip and promptly collapsed. (Samantha Stone was given a suspended
sentence as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she
tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
17. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he
attempted to "have his way with her". His unwelcome advance was met with a
prompt kick in the chest and then 4 shots from a doubled barrelled shot gun
Charla's (the girlfriend's) father had given to her an hour before the date
started, just in case.
16. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to
pay his rent for 8 years (yes, 8 years). The Land lord Kirk Weston clubbed
the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it
had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
15. Mary-Lee Cooper, 11 years old, was killed by her 1 year old sister who
climbed on top of her while she was sleeping, suffocating her.
14. Meegan Fri, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she
wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing the troopers all
walking slow down the street, Meegan Fri has jumped out in front of them and
yelled. "Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target fired 67
shots between them, over 40 of them hitting their target. "She just looked
like a very real looking target." One of the troopers stated in his report.
3. Fiona Given, 17 years old, was killed by a "Hit Man" hired by her ex
boyfriend after she broke off their relationship. The "Hit Man" was promised
to be paid $500,000 for the task. The "Hit Man" killed the boyfriend after
he found out that a 16 year old high school student, who's father was in
jail for rape, and mother worked as an ironing lady didn't have access to
$500,000.
12. Louis Zaragoza, 68 years old, was killed as he prepared to drive to
work. Lee Zaragoza had been plotting to kill him for over a year, and had
cut the brakes on his car 4 times previously. On this attempt Lee was just
about to cut the brakes again when Louis snuck up behind her. He grabbed
her and spun her around, as he did, she lost her footing and stumbled into
him, stabbing him in the lower ventricle of the heart, killing him
instantly.
11. Mummod Foli, 22 years old, was killed by an unknown member of the
"Russian Mafia", after he accidentally took away the gangster's drink too
soon at the nightclub he worked in. The gangster was so upset he forced the
waiter to drink over 27 litres of 'coca cola' (the drink he had taken away)
until Mummod drowned.
10. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because
she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a
cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken ariel.
9. Helena Simms, wife to the famous American Nuclear Scientist Harold
Simms, was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour.
Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a
Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation
poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss,
skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the
victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
8. Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his "two timing wife" by loading
her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she
was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as
powerful as the Okalahoma Bombing. The explosion was witnessed by several
persons, some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim
were ever found - only a 55 metre deep crater, and 500m of missing road.
7. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the
early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a
mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet
engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter
would constantly complain to the local sheriff officers about the noise and
the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the
engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over "for a cup
of coffee and a chat" about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was
that he had changed the position of the engine, as she waked into the yard
he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5000 degrees, killing her
instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
6. Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend who used the movie, "Die Hard,
With a Vengeance" as inspiration drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an
almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board
that read "Death to all Niggers!" on one side, and "God love the KKK." on
the other. Lewis then drove the victim to down town Harlem and dropped him
off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
5. Jay Newton was killed after a co worker at Sea World Florida dropped a 20
tonne killer whale on him. The whale had been hoisted out of his tank by a
Master Tonne Crane, when the victim swam underneath to inspect the harness
his colleague, Brian Hartley released the whale, crushing the victim
instantly, (and emptying 1/4 the water from the pool)
4. Carl Densinter, 34 years old, was killed by a fellow worker trying to
prove a point.The worker, San Amote Pet, disconnected the internal landing
gear settings on a Boeing 747 test plane, the planes gear automatically
retracked after take off. But come landing time wouldn't re-engage, the
helpless Densinter couldn't do a thing as the plane ran out of fuel, in an
attempt at an emergency landing the 747 exploded. Densinter was killed
instantly.
3. Mary Dridely, Joesph Coles and Haven Gillies were killed as they walked
past a New York apartment building. David Smee, 7 old, and his 6 year old
sister were left alone in their 27th floor hotel room by their parents as
they went to the hotels gaming room. Bored, the kids though it'd be fun to
try to squish the "Ant looking things on the foot path below" (people).
They started by throwing fruit, then quickly graduated to chairs,
televisions, even the draws from the bedroom dresser.
2. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian
after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their
parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell.
After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later,
and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. Then left
out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry for the spree, have
a puff on me, Brian" Conrad promptly lit the cigar, destroying the house,
and himself in the process.
1. Gail Queens, 23 years old, was killed by her Zoo keeper Boyfriend Matthew
Kellaway after she refused sex. He 'invited her' to the zoo the see the lion
feeding, and at feeding time lead her into a room that had a large slide
away panel. He explained to her that it was a large glass viewing window to
watch the lions devour their prey. He 'ducked out for a quick smoke' and
locked her in the room. Suddenly the slide away panel opened to reveal many
persons staring at her; she was just about to yell and tell them that they
were on the wrong side of the glass when she realised that it was her on the
wrong side. Another panel opened and 3 hungry lions were let into the pen.
Gail survived for 2 days in hospital before dying of massive internal
injuries.
[============================================================]
Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
[============================================================]
Q: What is the square root of 69?
A: 8 something
Q: What is 96?
A: 69 for dyslexics
Q: What is 6.9?
A: 69 ruined by a period
[============================================================]
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The
judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30."
The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."
[============================================================]
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be
executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
[============================================================]
A woman goes into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the man
at the counter and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream,
please."
"I'm sorry, madam," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out
of chocolate."
"Oh," says the woman. "In that case I'll have some chocolate."
So the man says, "No, no, madam. You don't understand. We have
run out of chocolate."
"Oh," replies the woman. "Then I'll just have chocolate."
The man behind the counter looks at the lady and says, "OK,
spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla.'"
So, the woman spells "V-A-N."
"All right," says the ice cream man, "spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"
The woman says, "OK. S-T-R-A-W."
"Good!" says the man. "Now spell 'fuck,' as in 'chocolate.'"
The woman looks at the man and says, "But there's no
'fuck' in 'chocolate.'"
The man shouts, "That's what I've been trying to tell you,
you dumb bitch!"
[============================================================]
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years,
during which he had been in many battles and won many
decorations. He was finally discharged from service and
returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost
four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son
spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and
he's got a purple heart on!" to which the mother replied, "I
don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go
play at the Joneses' for a couple hours."
[============================================================]
You Know You're Korean If ...
1. your mother has a short-haired, curly perm
2. your parents still try to get you into places half-price saying you
were 12 when you were really 15
3. you ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later,
they're still lecturing
4. you have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry
5. everyone thinks you're CHINESE no matter what part of Asia your
ancestors were from
6. you've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life
7. your parents used to cut your hair
8. your parents enjoy comparing you to their friend's kids
friends...(but when you compare them to other parents, they say,
"DON'T COMPARE!")
9. your parents say, "don't forget your heritage."
10. you drive mostly Japanese cars
11. you've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom
12. you've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs
13. piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and
closet doors
14. you hear (your name + ee (optional)+yah!) every time someone calls
you.(e.g.,Jean-ee-yah! or Mary-yah!)
15. you have NO eyelashes
16. idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian
languages, like the every-so-popular: ching chong woo bok
chi, etc.
17. your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin
18. the bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii)
was last night's dinner
19. at least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses
20. your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12
midnight to say, "In korea, we studied even more."
21. your parents expect you'll be friends with any one off the street in
any given area as long as they are Asian
22. an asian woman comes on campus and people ask, "Is that your mother?
Well then, is it your sister?"
23. your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in the 8th grade!"
24. everyone thinks you're good at math
25. you like $1.75 movies
26. you like $1.50 movies even more
27. your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Korea,
with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words
that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange,
and the ever-so-popular lime green
28. your parents insist you marry a Korean
29. you either really, really, want to go to UCI or really, really want
to stay away from it
30. your parents have never kissed you
31. your parents have never kissed each other
32. you learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than
your parents
33. your parents say, "you want a stereo?!? When i was your age, I
didn't even have shoes!"
34. you have 12+ aunts and uncles
35. at expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for
your breverage and NEVER order dessert
36. your parents always cover their mouth with their hand when they use
a toothpick in a restaurant.
37. your parents simply cut off the green/black part off the bread and
say, "Eat it anyway; it's still good."
38. the vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick
glasses
39. you will most likely be taller than your parents
40. your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin, or
both
41. you get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you
don't
42. when going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift
43. your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones
with the blue and pink stripes at the top
44. your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both
45. your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e., Michael
Chang)
46. the furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet,
the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture
47. you have rocks, sticks, leaves, deer antlers, and strange smelling,
unkown substances in your pantry for use in medicine
48. you own a rice cooker or two
49. you buy soy sauce by the gallon
50. your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head
51. your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to
school, how horrible the weather was in their native country,
and how much they still appreciated going
52. your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so that
you can grow into it and wear for years to come.
53. you live with your Hal-moh-nee
54. you parents own a liquor store, dry cleaner, or some kind of
discount store
55. you drive a lowered, fixed up integra, eclipse, or some kind of
Honda
56. you never tip over 15%
57. you hate Denny's, even though you go there 24-7
58. you love Sanrio stuff
59. you have a pager
60. you do that twirling thingie with you pen
61. you always have a box of Sapporo Ichiban ramyun or Yook-eh-jang
62. even though your family isn't super rich, you own a Mercedes or
Lexus
63. you bring home all A's and one B, and your parents yell, "Why did
you get a B?"
64. there is a 75% chance that you'll marry someone with the same last
name
65. white people always say, "Say my name in korean!"
66. when you have a family gathering, 50 little kids are running around
your house, and YOU have to entertain them
67. you can't stand Margaret Cho (that actress on All American Girl)
68. when the bill comes, you practically beat each other up- saying that
YOU'LL pay for the bill
69. when you were in Junior High, you were either a nerd or a little
"kkang ppeh" wannabe
70. your parents say, "The reason why we came to America was so that you
could get a good education, so go to Harvard."
71. you either have to be a doctor, lawyer, or some big-time business
tychoon
72. your parents say, "1600 isn't that hard...just study."
73. when some mega-mega nerd student is in the korean newspaper, your
parents say, "why can't you be like him?"
74. if you're a guy, then you always have to put up with the "20
questions" game when you call a girl if her parents answer but
if you're smart, you ask, "Um hello? Is Bob there?"
75. no matter how well your parents speak english, they can't say "wood"
76. you tell your parents you need to buy glue for school, but they
reply, "just use rice!"
77. your parent's idea of a social life is church
78. you have a container full of Kim-Chee in your fridge right now
79. you own a pair of BYC socks
80. you or your parents start singing when drunk
81. you have the asian decals stuck to your car
82. your parents are still shorter than you
83. you make daily stops to the local "Hello Kitty" store
84. you know the "san-toki" song
85. your dad owns plaid pants
86. you or your parents hand wash underwear
87. "No-Rae Bang" is a common household word
88. your main source of income is New Years
89. your parents think anything goes with rice
90. the rice you eat can stick to anything
91. your parents still spank you, even when you move out
92. failing a class means finding a new place to live
93. your mom rents korean soap operas and watches them daily
94. you have naked baby pictures of you
95. your parents read the labels of everything to see if it was made in
Korea
96. your parents yell out your korean name REAL loud in public places
97. ramen is the fifth food group
98. you have to translate for your parents when ordering fast food
99. your parents are afraid of African-American people
100. Your girlfriend is a chicken
[============================================================]
What Men REALLY Mean ...
"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and
stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means...."Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and
completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means...."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make
obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what colour you paint the kitchen."
Really means...."As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow,
lavender, grey, mauve, black, turquoise or any other colour besides
white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with
it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like
Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea."
Really means...."It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day
gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...."She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of
them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...."I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means...."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...."I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...."She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is
wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather
Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of
every
car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means...."Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...."You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...."I always wind up outside the dressing room holding
your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car.."
Really means...."You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative
stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary
companions."
"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and
am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you
don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it
could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and
we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my
empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...."Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...."I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the
walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means...."It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without
printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a
new one."
"I broke up with her."
Really means.... "She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...."Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
[============================================================]
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You
decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you
should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this
male's
trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run
to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause
fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of
the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you,
but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to
get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future
together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't
want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly
say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and
you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows,
the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities
that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars
in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get
your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so
large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your
legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has
to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the
garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but
this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear,
which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more
intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally
got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.
How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy
would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus
for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
[============================================================]
You're lost between a baby boomer and a gen-x'er if ...
1. You remember when Jordache jeans were cool.
2. In your fifth grade class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt
with the collar up.
3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song
4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"
5. Three words: Atari, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar
6. You remember the days when "safe sex" meant that your parents were
gone for the weekend.
7. You remember Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.
8. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
9. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans
to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999"
until you passed out partying.
10. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was
alternative.
11. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
12. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind
you.
13. You've ever conversationally used the phrase, "Jane, you ignorant slut!"
14. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the
English language.
15. You're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing.
16. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran,
Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.
17. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during "Crazy
for You," by Madonna
18. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the
streets and made your old Big Wheel quite obsolete.
19. The phrase "Where's the beef," still doubles you over with laughter.
20. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever
possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
21. Ted the photographer on The Love Boat.
22. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which can
only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting"
23. You've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the
last five years.
24. You're starting to believe now that maybe having the kids go to school
year round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
25. You're doing absolutely nothing pertaining to your major.
26. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.
27. You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the
first scene.
28. You had a frontrow seat for Luke and Laura's wedding on General
Hospital.
29. You're parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it
was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.
30. You know who shot JR.
31. This rings a bell: "...and my name is Charlie. They work for me."
32. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on after all.
33. You know all the words to the double album set of Grease.
34. You ever had a Dorothy Hamil haircut.
35. You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed 867-5309 to see
if Jenny would answer.
36. "All skate, change directions", means something to you.
37. You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.
38. You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class
so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli.
39. You owned a preppy handbook.
40. You were too young to go see the Blue Lagoon so you just had to settle
for second hand reports.
41. You remember when there was only PG and R.
42. You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry
the emotional scars to this day.
43. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch.
44. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those brick sized packages
of Bazooka gum.
45. Bo and Luke Duke.
46. VCRs cost $2,000.
47. There was nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.
48. Rotary dial telephones.
49. You actually believed that Mikey, famed for his Life cereal commercials,
died after eating a packet of pop rocks and drinking a Coke.
50. The theme song to Greatest American Hero still comes back to you on
occasion.
51. (BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKING ON AIR...)
52. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following
phases: When I was younger... When I was your age... You know, back when...
53. This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:
.....Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the
creatures are WAY cool <~~ HEY! i STILL say that all the time!!
.....Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and
you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters
are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there
.....Return of the Jedi hits the theaters, you are now a teenager and you
cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt
[============================================================]
101 Things never to say during sex ...
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. Z ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this
couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: .... Er... Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer."
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin, too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
[============================================================]
Cybersex Etiquette
(Dont start in without it)
Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your
spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time,
(preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your
in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in
attendance). It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing
undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your
mouth, moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be
heard.
For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on,
along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future
embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are
"stuck" and you have no idea why.
For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants,
sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front,
bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute,
always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong,
garterbelt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra (the one that
has everything pulled up so high your bellybutton is under your chin),
and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all
women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I have a
friend who truly wears these things each and every time she sits in
front of her computer; it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the
office - but she has certainly worked her way up the ranks in the
company). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they
are all naked and wearing just a smile.
If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your
monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get
overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to
let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen.
If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the
best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing
your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month,
shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were
bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your
VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you
open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube
tray to stop the monotony.
When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling
before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on
those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse
(although it does kinda put a western slant on things - hmmmm, things
could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have
such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with
that). That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my
day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!
Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your
"coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was
someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask
to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a
case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3
days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped
offline.
That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please
refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh
great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at
least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK
YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having
cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address,
just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it's proper
etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say HUH? I never got
your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind,
unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it,
watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that
you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd
rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm
going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for
variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for
something different.
[============================================================]
How to Please your Technical Support Department
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we
find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from
here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way
you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to
remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you
from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail
because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at
once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill
your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags
it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer
support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's
chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We
love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have
cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a
cathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"
that motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all
68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what
you mean by "My thingy blew up".
17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog,
lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed
to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin
crumbs and nail clippings in them.
20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button
as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it,
would you?
21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited
on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have
any money to speak of anyway.
22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional
expertise referred to as crap.
23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T.
support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
24. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third
party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
25. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
26. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks.
Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
27. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company.People
out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on.
28. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday,
ask a computer question. We do weekends.
29. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own.
Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
30. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave
the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers
somewhere.
31. Keep it crashing!
[============================================================]
Great Female Comebacks
Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at
the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why
I don't go there anymore."
M: "Is this seat empty?" W: "Yeah, and this one will be too if you
sit down."
M: "So, wanna go back to my place?" W: "Well, I don't know. Will two
people fit under a rock?"
M: "Your place or mine?" W: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to
mine."
M: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" W: "It's in the phone
book."
M: "But I don't know your name." W: "That's in the phone book
too."
M: "So, what do you do for a living?" W: "I'm a female impersonator."
M: "What sign were you born under?" W: "No Parking."
M: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" W: "STOP"
M: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" W: "Unfertilized."
M: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason." W:
"Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
M: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." W: "You mean
you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
M: "I know how to please a woman." W: "Then please leave me alone."
M: "I want to give myself to you." W: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap
gifts."
M: "I can tell that you want me." W: "Oooohh. You are sooo right. I
want you to leave."
M: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy." W: "Yeah, but if I saw
you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
M: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" W: "Sorry,
I don't date outside my species."
M: "Your body is like a temple." W: "Sorry, there are no services
today."
M: "I'd go through anything for you." W: "Good! Let's start with
your bank account."
M: "I would go to the end of the world for you." W: "Yes, but would
you stay there?"
[============================================================]
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
Your back goes out, but you stay home.
You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
Happy hour is a nap.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure
that the street is still there.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with DR.
The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.The twinkle in your
eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that
they were on your head all the time.
You sink your teeth into a steak --- and they stay there.
You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick
the one that gets you home the earliest.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't
care any more.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even
remember being on top of it.
[============================================================]
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated
by the helicopters and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.
"That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a
second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife
ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be
free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After
they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to
congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost
screamed when my wife fell out."
[============================================================]
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that
he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special
case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several
minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I
will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to
wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right,
Get in."
[============================================================]
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest, When he walks into
a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your
Grace'". The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal,
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'".
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three
women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he
walks into a room, people say,
'Oh my Lord...!'
[============================================================]
Rednecks' 25 Question Sex Test:
1.) A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
[ True ] or [ False ]
2.) Asphalt describes rectal problems.
[ True ] or [ False ]
3.) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
[ True ] or [ False ]
4.) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
[ True ] or [ False ]
5.) The clitoris is a type of flower.
[ True ] or [ False ]
6.) A G-string is part of a fiddle.
[ True ] or [ False ]
7.) Semen is a term for sailors.
[ True ] or [ False ]
8.) Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
[ True ] or [ False ]
9.) Testicles are found on an Octopus.
[ True ] or [ False ]
10.) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
[ True ] or [ False ]
11.) KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
[ True ] or [ False ]
12.) Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
[ True ] or [ False ]
13.) Coitus is a musical instrument.
[ True ] or [ False ]
14.) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
[ True ] or [ False ]
15.) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
[ True ] or [ False ]
16.) A condom is a large apartment complex.
[ True ] or [ False ]
17.) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
[ True ] or [ False ]
18.) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
[ True ] or [ False ]
19.) A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
[ True ] or [ False ]
20.) An erection is when Japanese people vote.
[ True ] or [ False ]
21.) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
[ True ] or [ False ]
22.) Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
[ True ] or [ False ]
23.) Pornography is the business of making records.
[ True ] or [ False ]
24.) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
[ True ] or [ False ]
25.) Douche is the French word for "twelve."
[ True ] or [ False ]
[============================================================]
Thought for the day ....
Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs
at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The
monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The
monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
[============================================================]
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to
come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager
asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby
place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It
breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to
my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker...That's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that
straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . ."
[============================================================]
A Boaj* was traveling home on a train. Feeling very sleepy, he
gave the man sitting opposite him a ten dollar bill to wake
him when the train stopped in Boajville. Turns out the fellow
traveler was a barber, and felt that for $10.00, the Boaj
deserved more service. So, while the Boaj was sleeping, the
barber quietly shaved off the Boaj's beard. Upon arriving in
Boajville, and being awakened by the barber, the Boaj, headed
for home. Reaching home, he went into the bathroom to wash up,
whereupon he saw himself in the mirror and let out a scream.
"What's the matter?" his wife asked.
"That dummy on the train took my ten bucks and then woke up
someone else."
*For new subscribers who don't know what a boaj is, just send
a blank e-mail to: boaj@yahoo.com (you'll get an auto-response).
[============================================================]
Did you know that February 2, 2000 is the first time
in 1,112 years that the date has had all even numbers?
The last time was Ausust 28, 888.
[============================================================]
A horse walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender comes
over and says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
[============================================================]
When Michelin, Goodyear, and Firestone workers become 65
years old, do they simply quit work, or merely re-Tire?
[============================================================]
A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a
movie theatre. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came
over and said,
"That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you
learn any manners? Where did you come from?"
The man looked up helplessly and said,
"The balcony!"
[============================================================]
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his
neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until
it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the
butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The
butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted
today.
The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground
beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?"
The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds
ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?"
The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How
many?"
The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of
four pork chops. The dog then walked around behind the counter,
so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the
appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around
the dog's neck.
The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the
dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house
where it began to scratch the door to be let in.
As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner,
"That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner said, "He's
not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he
forgot his key."
[============================================================]
Have a great day!
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