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RED-NECK VALENTINE'S LOVE POEM
Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
An elderly woman buys an old bottle at a rummage sale. She takes it
home and begins to clean off the dirt while sitting in her rocking chair
on the front porch.
Suddenly a Genie appears. "I will grant you three wishes," says the
Genie. "Alright," says the woman..... "For my first wish I want to be
rich." The Genie grants the wish and a chest of gold appears before
them.
Amazed, the woman asks her second wish.... "I want to be a beautiful
young woman." The wish is granted. She turns into a beautiful young
woman.
"For my third wish," She says, "I want to you to turn my cat Sylvester
here into a handsome young Prince." The cat disappears in a puff of
smoke and a handsome young prince appears. The Genie disappears back
into the bottle and the woman, obviously lovestruck, stares in disbelief
at her new "possessions".
The Prince leans over to her and whispers.... "I'll bet you're sorry
you had me neutered now, aren't you?"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"
Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in
the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be
in the third grade!"
The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to
the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.
While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained
the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's
teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to
answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the
first grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The
principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnnie: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
Johnnie: "81"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third
grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case.
The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think
Johnnie can go on to the third grade."
The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual
wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some
questions before we make that decision?"
The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look
on his face.
The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that
I have only 2 of?"
Johnnie: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's
expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I
think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last
two questions myself!"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Q. How many born-again Christians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A. One to change the bulb and about 500 to go outside and
shout "I've seen the light!"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Ma and Pa are sitting on the porch swing one evening enjoying the warm
breeze and the night sounds. Suddenly, for no reason at all, Ma hauls off
and slaps Pa up side the head so hard he falls off the swing.
Dazed, Pa gets up and asks, "What the hell was that for?"
To which Ma replies, "That's for 20 years of bad sex!"
Pa says nothing and gets back on the swing.
About 5 minutes of silence later, he hauls off and slaps Ma up side the
head equally hard.
Ma gets up dazed and asks, "What was that for?"
To which Pa replies, "That's for knowing the damn difference!"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
IT Support....
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave
it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed
animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We
don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting
glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error
messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's
nothing for us to remember 300 screensaver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's
keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't
get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an email with high importance,
delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in
and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up
and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support.
There's electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call
computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call
computer support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.
person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of
the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have
cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly,
reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you
mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20
times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the
job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to
work.
16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know
exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
17. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of
your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse
cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of
them.
19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on
the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a
pound
of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that
'Yes'
button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't
be doing it, would you?
21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit
uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he
hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing
about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of
professional expertise referred to as crap.
23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call
I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex
task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a
professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T.
Support.
25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call
I.T.Support. We love to hack.
26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your
secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having
to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the
problem.
28. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone
as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail
server.
29. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into
smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into
the queue.
30. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing R600,000
worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice:
"Good grief,you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?"
That's another one that cracks us up no end.
31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire
company.
People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on.
32. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a
Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
33. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your
own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the
office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings
and drivers somewhere.
We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It
hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish
to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers
portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been
remotely possible.
Keep it crashing!
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand
as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working
on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's
beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was
anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have
to do with your broken leg?!?!?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned
on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Two bats were hanging up side down at 2.00 am in the morning. One of
the
bats woke up and whacked his mate in the wing and asked him if he would
like to go and get some blood, to which the other bat replied "Are you
crazy? Where the heck are we going to get blood at this hour of the
morning?" The first bat said "I know just the place, come and I'll
promise you I will find us some blood!" The 2nd bat bluntly refused, so
the first took off to find his blood. About an hour had past and the
bat came back with blood dribbling out of his mouth covering his body
and wings. The bat that didn't go said "You lucky bat, where the heck
did you find blood at this hour of the morning?" to which the first
replied - "Do you see that tree over there?" "Yeah, sort of".
"WELL I DIDN'T!!!!!" replied the first.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks
into a room to meet with his accountant. The
Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three
million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant
doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's
the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute
and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for
you."
The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!*
money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks
the accountant. The accountant signs back, "I don't
know what you're talking about." The attorney
interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a
pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant,
cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the
@#!* money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to
know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay!
Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the
shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what
did he say?" The attorney interprets to the
Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to
pull the trigger."
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
An 80 year old virgin has an irritable itch in her crotch area,
so she visits the doctor's office. The doctor checks her out
and explains to her that has crabs.
The old woman insists that she can't have crabs because she
is a virgin. Though the doctor doesn't believe her, he sends
her to another doctor for a second opinion.
The second doctor gives the old woman the same answer.
So, the old woman sees a third doctor and begs, "Please
help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have
crabs because I'm a virgin!"
The doctor checks her out and remarks, "I have good news
and bad news. The good news is that you don't have crabs.
The bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit
flies!"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Two blondes walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice innit,
don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the fuck does that mean?" At this stage the assistant
offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying,
"That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Q: What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
A: Hair balls.
Q: What can Life Savers do that men cannnot?
A: Come in five flavors.
Q. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
A: Crust.
Q. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
Q. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing.
Q. What do you get when Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough boy get
together?
A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?
A: By sticking your finger in his honey
Q. What is the ultimate rejection?
A: When your masterbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
A: I told you to lick my erection, not ruin my election.
Q. What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: Both can smell it but can't eat it.
Q. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handle bars.
Q. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank.
Q. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
A: All you can eat for under a buck.
Q. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What's the difference between fear and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Beacause it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snow blower coming.
Q. Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with the light on.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: Why did the woman cross the road
A: Who cares, she's gone!
Q: What did the blonde's left leg say to it's right leg?
A: Nothing, they never meet.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you around after it's been laid.
Q: How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
A: She's got a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half
mast?
A: They're hiring.
Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo"
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
Q: Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage, along with a recipe.
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
+---------------------- BIZARRE BOOKS ---------------------+
Real Books... Unreal Titles!
Girls of the Pansy Patrol; 1931
[No, it's not an adult novella. Quite the opposite. Ms. May
Wynne wrote over 200 books for young girls.]
Shy Men, Sex, and Castrating Women by Claude Balls; 1985
[I bet a year's supply of Brasso it's a pen name.]
The Social History of the Machine Gun; 1975
[Not just the history, but the SOCIAL history. As in, "My,
that's a nice Thompson you have there."]
A Do-It-Yourself Submachine Gun; 1995
[This is for those unfortunate machine gun owners who don't
have a social life and sit at home polishing their barrels.]
Fish Who Answer the Telephone; 1937
[It comes with diagrams, folks!]
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
--------- Police Attempt to Finish Botched Robbery ---------
HONDURAS - After three thieves who attempted to burglarize the
home of a Supreme Court judge were arrested, the policemen
left to guard the violated house figured they would never get
a better opportunity to pad their pensions. Unfortunately for
the enterprising cops, the same vigilant neighbor who reported
the first break-in called for help again. When the second
round of cops arrived the first group was busy cleaning up the
valuables the thieves had left behind. Police spokesman Hector
Mejia said the policemen involved would be tried.
[I bet there wasn't much left for the third round of cops.]
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
------ Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Lend Me Your Ear -------
UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS - So you think our bastions of higher
learning are wasting tax payers' money? At the U of T, they
have been busy studying the peculiarities of the human ear.
They have reportedly found that there are differences in the
inner ear of lesbians compared to heterosexuals. Additional
research from their studies was used to capture a thief in
London who had left an "ear-print" on a window. Apparently
no two ears are alike.
[I know what you're thinking - not another lesbian ear story!]
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
------------------ Shine On Harvest Moon -------------------
VIENNA - a few years ago Folks, this may not be current
news, but I came across this historic gem while reading in
a South Carolina hotel. Back when Helmut Kohl was the
German chancellor, a protester decided to show his disgust
for Herr Kohl by pulling down his pants and "mooning" the
surprised Chancellor. But the story gets more weird. The
offender was arrested and his defense tried to get the
Chancellor in court to make a positive identification by
getting nine men in a line up, all showing Kohl their
posterior. The judge ruled against the motion.
[In Canada this wouldn't have been a problem.]
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
-------------------- Those Crazy Canucks -------------------
OTTAWA - It only took a couple of days of jokes from the
prime minister on down to convince Canada's newest political
party that the acronym CCRAP just wasn't going to cut it. The
Reform Party launched on Saturday a new opposition coalition
with some Conservative politicians, dubbing it the Canadian
Conservative Reform Alliance. Trouble is, an early draft of
the party's constitution erroneously tacked on "Party" to
the end of the name, giving it the moniker CCRAP and providing
plenty of fodder for one-liners.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
--------------- Those Crazy Canucks Part II ----------------
TORONTO - An exhausted goalie collapsed and a bloodied defense
man had to quit, the score was 145 to 138 and the game was not
even half over. Were there a bunch of Wayne Gretzky's on the
ice? No, its just some hockey-mad Canadians trying to set a
world record for the longest game ever played. "You've gotta'
pace yourself, you don't want to burn out too easily, because
we're trying to set a record here," Chris Stark said at the
end of the 43rd period. There are 180 players divided into 10
teams, with each team playing as long as possible before the
next squad takes over. "Basically the game stops when one team
can't ice five players and a goalie, or when nobody's skating
and it's just not a game," Stark said.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
------ Super Bowl Stunt Backfires On Nashville's Cops ------
Nashville's cops became fugitives after a radio station
announced one of the city's uniformed officers was carrying
two tickets to the Super Bowl, free for the asking. This is
where the story gets interesting... especially for anyone
who's ever been chased by a copper! Football-frenzied
residents began chasing every policeman in sight, speeding
after police cruisers in their cars and running through
traffic on foot. The situation was made even worse because
some of the police officers had not been told about the
stunt, played out in advance of Sunday's Super Bowl XXXIV
which pitted the Tennessee Titans against the St. Louis Rams.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
A man in Fontana, California has been arrested for "creeping
into homes and fondling women's feet." Arnold Collins is
accused of breaking into ten houses during the past month and
caressing the feet and coloring the toenails of sleeping women.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
11. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.
12. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
13. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to
play chess?
14. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
15. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
16. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go
somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this
trip. All of you males, take off your penis and hand it over to me. I will
write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back." After
about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.
"Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if
there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked
out the window. "No land yet," Mrs. Rabbit said. "Damn!" said Mr. Rabbit and
out he went . This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.
"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and
nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why
are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a
sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of paper.
"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation
in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet
him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided
to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on
which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in
from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was
directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail,
she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to
the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room
and saw this note on the screen:DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN
HERE.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week
and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with
the same order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You
must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do
you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find
the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in
little plastic bags."
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A bus stops and two Italians get on. They seat themselves, and engage
in an animated conversation. The lady siting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears
one of the men saying the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
a again. Two asses, they come again. I come again and pee twice. Then
I come a once-a-more".
"You foul-mouthed Italian swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. I'ma just tella my friend howa
to spella Mississippi!
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A man wakes up one morning with a huge erection - this one doesn't go
away. After a couple of days, he is really concerned, so he puts on the
baggiest pair of trousers which he can find, a loose overcoat and heads
for the drug store.
He enters the store and goes to the back to the pharmaceutical section.
The lady there asks if she might help him.
He asks to see the male pharmacist. The woman tells him that there is
no male pharmacist. The man starts to leave.
The woman says, "Wait a minute, sir; I am a registered pharmacist, as
is my sister, and we own the store. We are very professional and
discreet and accustomed to personal problems of all kinds. Don't be
afraid to see if we may help."
Our poor man is desperate. He edges up to the counter, unzips his
trousers, and gets out his "throbber". He then says, "What can you give
me for this?" The woman says, "How long has it been that way?" The man
responds, "Almost three days". The woman says, "I will have to consult
with my sister, and will be right back.
She leaves and returns in a few minutes. The man asks, "What did you
decide?" She says, "The best we can do right now is $5,000 and a half
interest in the Drug Store".
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his
penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was
fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy.
After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy
was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel
had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of
the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional
beach.
As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd
bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut
and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas.
Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also
had "Wy" tattooed on his penis.
"Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend
must also be named Wendy."
"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say 'WELCOME TO
JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.'"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
There were two Indians and Jim walking along together in the desert when,
all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up this hill to the
mouth of a cave.
He stopped and hollered into the cave, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and
then listened very closely until he heard the answer, "Woooooo! Woooooo!
Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.
Jim was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about; was
that Indian goofy or something?
"No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when
you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and get an answer
back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.
Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took
off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo!
Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" off
came the clothes and into the cave he went.
Jim started running around the desert looking for a cave so he could find
one of these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he
looked up and saw this great big cave.
As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of
that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must
really be something really great in this cave!"
Well, he went up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy
and grandure. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo!
Woooooo!"
He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of,
"WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!" Off came his clothes and, with
a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.
The next day, in the newspaper, the headlines read, "Naked Man Run Over
By Freight Train"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
An elderly couple were sitting on their verandah.
He said "I fancy some ice cream, do you?"
She answered "Yes, I'd like a large dollop of
chocolate Ice cream, with lashings of fresh cream
poured over it, and a cherry stuck on top, shall I
write it down so that you don't forget?"
"No I wont forget", he replied, and went into the house.
Half an hour passed before he returned carrying two
plates of bacon and eggs.
He handed one plate to his wife who said,
"Thank you, but I know I should have written
it down, you forgot the toast".
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the
properties of various acids.
"Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will
it dissolve?"
"No, sir," a student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the
silver coin won't dissolve."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a
backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine
invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and
occasional
shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good
thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the
backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. So he goes
to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put
on the cake. He thinks for a while and says, "Let's put 'you are not getting
older you are getting better'."
The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"
The man says, "Well put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are
getting better' at the bottom."
The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched
the message decorated on the cake:
"You are not getting older at the top
You are getting better at the bottom"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Why Dogs Are Better than Women
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs understand that you are their master.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs think you sing great.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs have ten breasts.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs don't want to know about every other pet you've had.
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs get excited when you take out the leash and choker chains.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
A dog's parents never visit.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can =
shoot it.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Why Women Are Better than Dogs
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to fart.
Women know how to make popcorn.
How Women and Dogs Are the Same
Both look stupid in hats.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both put too much value on kissing.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have hip problems.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither understands football.
Neither believes that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very
concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town.
When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having
'fallen.'"
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about!
Your wife fell three times this week."
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A Frenchman, an Italian and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.
"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman.
"She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times", the Italian
responded,
"and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never
love another man."
When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once." He replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this
morning?"
"Don't stop."
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
The old gentlemen was aging more rapidly than he wanted.
"Your gout is getting worse." said the doctor. "I recommend
that you give up smoking, drinking and sex for a while."
"WHAT!" said the man. "Just so's I can walk a little better?"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
"Can anyone give me a good contemporary example of the
Golden Rule?" asked the instructor in the college ethics
class.
"I can sir," replied one of the students. "How about 69?"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Jill and Jeff had just finished a vigorous round of passionate
sex when Jeff discovered that the condom he was using had
come off.
After the initial panic wore off and expletives were issued,
Jeff, in a fit of humor, grabbed a flashlight, and while pointing
it towards Jill's private parts yelled: "Swim toward the light!
Swim toward the light!"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle
sites. "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the
Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over
there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down
about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a
thousand Union soldiers."
A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"
"Yes ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an
hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.
Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles
following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten
minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without
batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I
would make it."
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
This is the job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a
McDonald's:
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still looking.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be
picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place, would I?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options. If that's
not possible, make an offer (any offer) and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: A target for middle management hostility.
EDUCATION: Yes, but it doesn't seem to be paying off.
LAST SALARY: Way less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday,
with a half-hour break around 2:00 p.m.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited
to a more intimate environment and I don't like to get caught
doing them at work.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here
would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House
Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes; substance -
I rather not say.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy blonde super
model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Who am I kidding, I'd like to be doing that right now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE
BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Q: What do you call two gay Mexicans playing basketball by
themselves?
A: Juan on Juan
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Q: What's the difference between Chicago and Green Bay?
A: In Chicago, Moosehead is a beer. In Green Bay, it's a
felony.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
This is from a contest in Oxnard, California.
The requirements were to use the words Lewinsky and Kaczynski
(the Unibomber) in a limerick. Here are the top 3:
Winner:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
First runner up:
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Second runner up:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Believe it or not, these court transcripts are for real. It's a
shame they couldn't record the reactions of the juries.
X or Y
------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Zen Law
-------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Dead or Alive?
--------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Crappy Greeting Cards
1.You wrecked your car and don't remember why.
Could have been.....
That case of bud dry!
2.My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I stopped to look....
I noticed your cat.
3.Your computer is dead.
It once was a first-rate.
Don't you regret buying......
Windows 98?
4.Your dog is dead.
So sorry to hear
He was chasing cars...
And caught a semi in the rear.
5.Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
Well don't worry about her....
She moved in with me!
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.
For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.
He had not eaten anything during this period and was
famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle,
killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple
of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and
arrested him for killing an endangered species.
At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him
claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would
have died from starvation.
The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judge's closing statement he asked the man,
"I would like you to tell me something before I let you go.
I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.
What did it taste like?"
The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between
a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a
lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every
morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it
was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that
nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until
a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate.
Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is
stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find
nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he
questioned him about the paper.
"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go
into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown
away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on
him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that.
Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the
wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard
would always check and find nothing.
Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work
only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report
to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and
before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"
"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"
"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this
plant and you have failed. So you're fired."
"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole
anything from this place while I was on guard."
"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the
fact that there are over 20 wheelbarrows missing?"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
PROVERBS FOR THE MILLENNIUM
1. Home is where you hang your ass.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. There's no place like
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; Teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
The Top 11 New Features in Windows 2000
11- With optional metal probe, Microsoft's "Explorer" now explores more
than just web sites.
10- Recycle Bin inexplicably replaced with an angry monkey.
09- Built-in Excel macro calculates *exactly* how many times Bill Gates
can buy your sorry behind.
08- Calls your mother every time you log into porn sites.
07- New "No Monopoly To See Here" background featuring a scrolling "Gee
you're looking very lovely today, Ms. Reno" message and a dewy-eyed Bill
Gates cursor.
06- Helpfully locates and destroys all non-Microsoft software on your
computer.
05- Illegal operation error message now includes WAV file saying "I can't
do that, Dave."
04- Final installation screen displays the message: "Thank you for upgrading
to Windows 2000. Windows will now restart your machine and render your
programs useless."
03- First 3,500 customers to purchase Windows 2000 receive 12 free hours
of antitrust litigation from Microsoft lawyers!
02- Free technical support until 1901!
and the Number 1 New Feature in Windows 2000...
01- Crashes *twice* as fast as Windows 98!
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and
the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was
teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with
informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at
this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced,
"Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially
beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the
time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got
quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his
hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher...
... "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he
really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand
of brushes knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her
that she wasn't home.
" Well," the woman said, " could I please wait for her?"
The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than
three hours.
After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked," May I know
where your wife is?"
" She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she coming?"
"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth
grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual
innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex
education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the
teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone
Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all
attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex
education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind
letting her boyfriend know it, too:
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." she told him.
"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to
marry?"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's
chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The
barber began to lather his face while a woman with the
biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever
seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and
spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay
you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide
to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the
bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom,
"Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married 3
times before."
The bride responds...
"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist
and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do
was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he
ever wanted to do was............. God I miss him!"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT...
1. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
concentrate.
2. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
3. She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
4. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
5. She thought a quarterback was a refund.
6. If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you would get change back.
7. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
8. Under education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics.
9. She tripped over a cordless phone.
10. At the bottom of the application where it says sign here, she wrote
Sagittarius.
11. It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
12. If she spoke her mind, she would have nothing to say.
13. She studied for a blood test & failed.
14. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
15. She sold the car for gas money.
16. When she saw the NC17 (under 17 not admitted), she went home & got 16
friends.
17. She heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she =
moved.
18. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.
19. When she was on the highway going to the airport & saw a sign that
said, Airport Left, she turned around & went home.
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bastard"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one =
off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and
starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls =
out:
'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do
the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in".
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser
legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the
books."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He =
said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice."
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
"So I went down my local icecream shop, and said I want to buy an
icecream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with
one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount
of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To
camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said
'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (camply)
'Make your mind up.'
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said
"My dog's died."
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in
went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist
said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house." He said "I'm not stopping you."
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho Cha Chu. But I
think it's Colin."
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a
second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went
into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told
the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new
color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before
she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because," he replied. "That's a microwave!"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all
out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for
them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will
chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the
house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a
wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the
clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will
probably not make the party at all. The woman is very
disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children
herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the
guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he
swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in
the air.
She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing
is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you
think your friend would consider repeating this performance for
the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him...
HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
{------------------------------------------------------------------------}
Have a great day!
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